


The First Step

by neytah



Series: Women of the Next Generation: Coming of Age [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Coming Out, Coming of Age, F/F, Gay Character, Harry Potter Next Generation, Internalized Homophobia, Next Generation, Next-Gen, fem!Lysander
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-25
Updated: 2014-07-25
Packaged: 2018-02-10 09:52:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2020569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neytah/pseuds/neytah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dad and Mom already have this future set out for me, and being gay isn't in it.<br/>But with Lysander, I just can't help myself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The First Step

People tend to be surprised that I'm a Weasley. Brown-haired, Hufflepuff, and my parents aren't in any history book. And I'm not like Molly, with her wild red hair, playing quidditch for a living (against Dad's hopes) and her 4-years-older Norwegian boyfriend from Durmstrang. I don't stand out like her. I blend into the background of the Weasley family portrait.

Lysander, however, is nobody but Luna Lovegood's daughter. Everyone knows of her and Lorcan, their out-there personalities, and their famous parents. (Their parents are either geniuses or lunatics, depending who you ask.) And there's pretty, perfect, pansexual Lysander, with her extravagant outfits and flirtatious ways that have anyone and everyone falling for her charm.

Everyone, including me.

But she's not the first.

From 1st to 3rd year, I had a heartcrushing, head-over-heels crush on my best friend, Ally Thomas. Stuck in a dorm room with six other girls, confused and ashamed. I was a lovestruck mess, mesmerized by her dark brown curls and her smiles and those beautiful lips and her laugh and everything about her. She was all I could never have.

And then there was Melissa Wood, Gryffindor quidditch captain, one of the few out lesbians in our school. I'm sure all of us closeted girls looked at her at least once with dreamy eyes. She was bubbling with confidence, her tongue sharp to call anyone out who said anything rude about it. She was a role model for all of us, the confidence we all want. Unafraid to love who we shouldn't.

Because I can't just be _gay_. Dad and Mom already have this future set out for me, and being gay isn't in it. And after Molly went and did her own thing, I can't do this to Mom and Dad. I can't be gay.

But with Lysander, I just can't help myself.

They say the Room of Requirement was once used by the rebels of the second wizarding war, Dumbledore's army, to prepare for the great battle. But for me, and for Lysander, it's our hiding place. Where everything else doesn't matter, where Mom and Dad and Molly and grades and the NEWTs and the future don't matter. I'm free to loose myself in her lips.

We don't actually have a lot in common. We talk about trivial things, like the Hufflepuff-Slytherin quidditch semifinals, or The Weird Sisters comeback album, or the other day when Andrew Finnigan melted a cauldron in potions. Nothing that matters. It’s nice to not care about anything.

It’s quickly become a regular thing. We can’t meet every night, because Lysander has all these extracurriculars and I’ve got to study and sleep and appear normal. So it’s a Friday-Sunday thing. It works nice like that.

“Something’s with you.” Ally says over study brunch.

I barely glance up from my Charms review packet.

“Like, you’re not headstrong grades-before-brains Lucy all the time. I mean you still are, but you’re like, actually happy…” She pauses. “Wait, there’s a boy, isn’t there?!”

Ally goes all giddy and excited. I do my best to ignore her.

“What’s his name?”

I turn the page of my textbook.

“C’mon, Lu, tell me!”

“I can’t tell you Ally!”

“Why not? I’m your best friend!”

“I just can’t, okay! It’s a secret, I can’t tell anyone. I promised him.”

I’m partially surprised how easy the lies fall from my mouth. But then again, it’s always been like this. I’ve been lying my whole life.

Unlike I had hoped, Ally doesn’t let this conversation go. She overexamines every interaction I have with _any_ boy for the next week. Ask Jeremy Finch-Fletchey if I could look at his Astronomy notes for a second—must be him. Bump into Alexander Corner in the hallway—must be him too. And then I spend ten minutes helping her little brother Nate with his Trans homework, she practically attacks me. And I thought it couldn’t get any more embarrassing until I’m seen having a conversation with my cousin Louis. (“No Way!!!” to which I quickly denied with disgust.)

I pull Lysander aside, tell I can’t make it this week. She seems fine with it. It’s just this unofficial thing we have, nothing important.

Of course, Ally thinks nothing of our conversation. She’s looking in all the wrong places.

So instead of going and avoiding Ally finding out, I stay in the dorms those nights. I study a bit, but Ally and I stay up and talk. She just climbs into my bed, pulls the curtain, we put on a silencing charm so not to disturb the other girls, and we talk all night. It’s a nice weekend. It wasn’t about being gay. It wasn’t about how I once loved her, probably always will, a little bit. It was about her being my best friend.

But by the time Wednesday comes around, I _really_ miss Lysander. Every time I see her, it becomes more and more torturous.  She’ll look at me, in a way that no one else notices, that makes my gut turn.

I can’t wait for Friday.

Friday doesn’t come.

I don’t know I didn’t see it coming. I was so blinded, by everything Lysander, that I didn’t even consider the possibility.

There she is, lip locked with Max O’Carridy behind a gargoyle. At the sound of my feet turning the corner, she looks away, notices my retreat.

“Lucy…” I hear, but I am already running, willing the tears not to fall.

I should’ve known. I was so stupid, seeing Lysander in secret and thinking I was the only one? I was so stupid getting so invested in someone who I could never be with anyway. No wonder she wanted… others. I mean, Lucy Weasley isn’t worth that much, anyway.

So I hide in the Ancient Runes section of the library where no one ever goes. And I cry. I hate crying. I hate letting things get to me, I hate feeling weak and helpless and worthless, I hate this. I hate everything.

I gather myself and return later to Hufflepuff tower.

“Hey,” Ally says, “Lysander Scamander was looking for you. You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I respond, “Just have a lot of work to do.”

I try my best to avoid Lysander. I come and go from classes as fast as I can, hide out in the deepest confines of the library during free time. But she still finds me. She always does. It’s midday Saturday when she pulls me into an empty classroom.

“Lucy, listen,” She says, from those beautiful lips I’ve grown to hate. “I’m sorry, but I thought you knew.”

“What, that you were seeing other people behind my back?!”

I try to push past her, towards the door, but she stops me.

“Nothing we had was official, Lucy. I thought you knew that. Max knows that, Dianne knows…”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I thought you knew, Lucy, but we never talked about stuff like that. We’d talk about stupid stuff, like I didn’t just get you off, because you’re so afraid to face your sexuality that it’s easier for you to pretend it doesn’t exist.” She stops to take a breath. “I’m sorry Lucy, you have every right to be mad at me. I just wanted to explain myself. I’m sorry.”

She hesitantly steps forward, to deliver chaste kiss I can’t bring myself to pull away from.

Then she’s gone.

I return late to the dorms from hours of studying in the Library, distracting myself with worry for the upcoming NEWTs. It’s just Ally there.

“There you are, Lucy,” she says. “The other girls all went to Jeremy Finch-Fletchley’s party, wanna go? I heard they smuggled in three kegs of Firewhiskey.”

I shake my head, flopping face-first onto my bed.

“You okay, Lucy?”

No.

“Hey,” she says, getting up, then sitting down on my bed. I sit up too. “You can talk to me, okay? I know you like being all closed up and thick skinned and strong, but it’s okay not to be. Remember that time 3rd year when Jacob dumped me and you skipped potions so I could cry on your shoulder? Or when Shawn started dating Lexie and it hurt so much and you stayed up all night listening to me babble and cry even though I know you thought it was stupid, I could go on and on, Lucy. You’ve always been there for me, and I wanna be there for you. And I’m sorry I’ve been pestering you all week about boys but I just want you to talk to me about this stuff. You’re my best friend, Lucy, and nothing you say is ever gonna change that.”

Oh, Ally Thomas. With her deep brown eyes and her sweet little smile. How can I ever ruin that? How can I tell her?

But how can I live the way I lived with Lysander forever?

I don’t know how I do it.

“Ally,” Breathe in, breathe out. “I’m gay.”

I watch her eyes grow wide. She must hate me.

She lunges forward, almost knocking me off the bed with a hug.

‘Oh my god, Lucy, I’m so sorry. All these years I’ve spent trying to set you up with all these boys and I never even considered… it was a girl you were seeing in secret, weren’t you? Oh my god, I never even thought! I’m so sorry!”

We stay up late while the other girls assumedly party and drink, just talking. I tell her everything about Lysander. I tell her about how everything started, and everything I’ve always wanted to tell her but couldn’t. Except for the liking her part. I’ll probably never tell her that. But this is the first step.

And it feels amazing.

**Author's Note:**

> i doubt anyone has come here to read this as part of the series, but I'm really excited to pick this series up again. It's been almost a year since the first installment, but I've already started working on Lily's and planning out the other girls. I'm super excited, stay tuned! Thanks for reading!


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